


Be My Baby

by ordinaryorbit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Fake Dating, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn, Threats, Tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2019-10-15 08:04:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17524940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ordinaryorbit/pseuds/ordinaryorbit
Summary: A convenient fib leads somewhere unanticipated.





	1. Chapter 1

Rafael paced the width of the interrogation room as Benson and Carisi grilled their suspect.  They were going on hour two now and he still hadn't given anything up.

"Can you tell me where you were last Thursday night, Mr. Loring?" Benson pressed.

Rafael continued his pacing, keeping only half his attention on the interrogation.  Thank goodness it was Friday, so maybe he wouldn't have to take too much work home with him tonight.  He could order some Indian food, pour some wine, and put on some music. It would be a nice end to an exhausting week.

"I said, can you tell me where you were last Thursday, Mr. Loring?" Benson's voice was verging on irritated now.

"I'm sorry?"

The sergeant  let out an exasperated sigh.  "This interview seems to be boring you, Mr. Loring.  Is there something more interesting that's distracting you?"

"Yes actually, your ADA's fine ass."

Rafael swiveled so that his backside was facing the wall now, away from their suspect.

Loring chuckled, obviously taking some delight in his discomfort.  "Don't act so shocked, Mr. Barba. Come now, don't try to tell me that you've never bent over for a man before."

Rafael's mouth moved before he could stop himself.  "Just because I have doesn't mean I would ever want to for a piece of scum like you."

Loring was on his feet now, eyes blazing.  "Don't you dare disrespect me like that!"

In a flash, Carisi sprang up to place himself between Rafael and the incensed suspect.  Loring's attorney tugged on his client's shoulder, urging him to stand down.

"Look, if you don't have enough to hold my client, then this meeting is over.  We've given you more than enough of our time even though he's under no obligation to be here.  We're done for today."

As Loring walked past Rafael, he turned to stare at him directly.  "I would watch myself if I were you, Mr. Barba."

And so it was that several minutes later Rafael found himself in a heated argument with Benson.

"I don't need a babysitter."

"Barba, we're talking about a protective detail for your own safety."  Benson crossed her arms, holding firm. "A suspect just made a threat against you.  We have to take precautions."

Rafael scowled.  "He just told me to watch myself.  I hardly think that necessitates all this bother."  If only Liv knew about the drawerful of scrawled threats he'd received thus far during his tenure as a prosecutor. . . . but now was probably not the time to bring those up.

"Well I still think it's credible.  Look Barba, I'm hopeful we'll have enough evidence to charge this guy within the next few days, and then you'll get your freedom back.  And in future, you might want to refrain from unnecessarily antagonizing suspects."

"Oh, so he objectified me and now it's my fault that I talked back?"

"That's not what I'm saying Barba.  I just don't want to see you making yourself a target."

"Well I still don't see why I need protection."

"You gotta take this more seriously, Counselor," Carisi chimed in, perching on the edge of the interrogation room table.  "We like Loring for multiple rapes and murders, so threats from him are no joke."

"You're exactly right, Carisi," Benson agreed. "And that's why it's fitting that you will be the one watching Barba tonight."

Carisi's eyes widened.  "Sarg, I can't do it tonight.  It's my sister's birthday and my family's having a big dinner for her."

"Well I don't have childcare for Noah, Rollins is on vacation, and Amaro and Fin both have the flu.  So I'm sorry Carisi, but it has to be you."

"Oh joy," Rafael muttered.  There went his Friday night.

Carisi pouted.  "So instead of my family celebration I have to put up with Barba's whining?"

"Are you refusing this assignment, Carisi?"  Benson asked, voice going dangerously low.

"Of course not, Sarg.  It's just, we're trying to do our best to protect Barba and he can't even be grateful about it, he has to complain about everything."

Rafael scoffed.  "Well excuse me, I didn't realize that I should be _grateful_ to have Boy Detective here foisted on me tonight, when all I wanted was to relax in peace."

Liv held up her hands to shush them. "Cool it, both of you.  Carisi, you're going to be Barba's protective detail for tonight, and that's that.  Barba, listen to what Carisi says, hard as that may be for you. You two can work out the rest of the details amongst yourselves."  

And with that Benson left the interrogation room, leaving Rafael and Carisi to stare at each other in stony silence.

"I'll walk you over to your office, and then I'm going to run home to pack an overnight bag," Carisi said finally. "I'll stop by your office again at seven to pick you up."

"I usually work later than that."

Carisi shrugged.  "Well that's how late you'll be working tonight.  The daytime security at your building leaves at seven; you'll be more vulnerable after that with just the night crew."  

"So that's it then, I don't get a say in it?"  Rafael knew he was being unreasonable, and knew that Carisi was just doing his job, but dammit if the detective's attitude wasn't rubbing him the wrong way.

"No.  Liv said you have to listen to me, remember?  So be ready at seven."

Maybe it wasn't entirely due to forgetfulness that Rafael was still engrossed in his work at seven, feet up on his desk as he perused a case file.  Maybe there was some intent to flout the detective's orders and put him in his place.

But Carisi didn't say anything about it as Barba leisurely packed up for the day.  Instead he paced the perimeter of the office and inspected all the exits.

"Carisi, I highly doubt that Loring is hiding out in my office."

"That may be, Counselor, but like my mom always says, it's better to be safe than sorry."

"Lots of people say that, Carisi.  So I don't think your mom can really lay claim to the saying."

During the walk to Carisi's car, they clashed over what type of takeout to pick up.  Carisi argued that since he was missing his family's dinner, he should get to decide.  Rafael countered that food selection should be in his purview because they were going to be dining at his place.

In the end they compromised on Thai.  Which Rafael couldn't help starting to pick at while waiting for Carisi to make an agonizingly thorough safety check of his apartment.

He also pulled some work papers out from his briefcase and arrayed them next to his plate.  This should, fingers crossed, ward off any small talk. It felt like an uncomfortable intrusion, having someone else dining at his table when it had been so long.

Carisi seemed to take the hint.  The normally verbose detective began to flip through one of Rafael's law journals as he ate, rather than try to engage him.

Rafael still didn't know quite what to make of SVU's newest detective.  At first he had feared that Carisi would be another Amaro, whose machismo always made him feel on guard.

But any bravado that Carisi possessed seemed to stem instead from an unhindered directness.

After dinner Rafael retired to his bedroom to change into casual clothes.  When he returned he found Carisi lounging on his sofa in a pair of Fordham Law pajamas, flipping channels.  

"I'm going to make some coffee, Carisi - would you like some?"

"You're seriously going to have coffee at this hour?"

"Yes.  Do you have an issue with that, Detective?"

"Nah, not at all. You do you, Counselor."

"Well what else am I going to do?" Rafael said to himself under his breath as he swung open the refrigerator to get out the milk.

"Dammit!"  As he stared inside he remembered throwing out the milk that morning.

"What is it?" Carisi called out as he came running, gun drawn.

"Nothing, I just realized I'm out of milk for my coffee.  I'll have to run to the corner store to get some more."

"You really need to stay inside tonight for your protection, Barba."

"Seriously, Carisi?"  This was going too far.  "Come on, what's going to happen to me if I go outside for five minutes?" Rafael took a step forward, to go around the detective.

Carisi widened his stance, blocking the way.  "I'm serious, Counselor. And I will cuff you to this refrigerator to keep you from endangering yourself, if I have to."

Staring up at the detective, Rafael was reminded that this skinny kid was actually quite strong.

Just then, a noise came from outside the door, and the knob began to jiggle.

Carisi instantly moved to position himself facing towards the door, motioning silently for Rafael to stay behind him. Which Rafael did without protest, shamelessly clinging to Carisi's pajama top as he huddled behind the detective.

The door swung open, the identity of the intruder hidden by the paper bags in their arms as they entered the apartment.

"NYPD!  Hands in the air where I can see them!" Carisi shouted.

Rafael's mother let out a shriek at the same time as her arms let go of the bags she'd been holding. Clementines began rolling haphazardly across the floor.

"Carisi, it's just my mom, you can put the gun down."

As Carisi lowered his arm, Rafael darted out to calm his mother.

"Mami it's ok, this is Detective Carisi, who works with me.  We thought you were an intruder."

"I'm so so sorry Mrs. Barba," Carisi said as he went to check the hallway and then lock the door.  

"Mami, let's get you a glass of water." Rafael guided his still-trembling mother into the kitchen.  Carisi meanwhile began scrambling after the clementines.

"Mami are you ok?  I'm sorry for scaring you.  But why didn't you let me know you were coming over?"

"I wanted to surprise you, Rafi," Lucia said while accepting the water.  "I didn't expect you to have overnight company," she added with an edge to her voice.

Rafael couldn't help scowling at her reaction, even if it was based on a misinterpretation about the reason there was a pajama-clad detective in his apartment.

"Typical," he muttered, under his breath.

"What was that, Rafi?"

"Nothing, Mami."

"Don't you get passive aggressive with me and then deny it, Rafi,"she scolded while wagging a finger in his face.

"Ok then," Rafael said, hands coming to his hips as he faced off against her.  "What's _typical_ is for you to be less than enthused about the idea of my having a male partner.  And don't try to deny it, because you know you react differently when it's a woman."

"Rafi, it's fine, I don't have a problem with it.  I'm fine with it.  I keep telling you that."

"You're _fine_ with it," he repeated.  "What a show of enthusiasm."

Lucia threw up her hands in exasperation.  "Sometimes I'm not sure what more you want from me, mijo."

"Mami," he sighed, "can we please not rehash this conversation right now while Detective Carisi is here."

Rafael nodded towards the living room, in Carisi's general direction.  Only to find that the detective was now standing awkwardly at the kitchen door, clearly having heard more than enough of the conversation.

"Here are your groceries, Mrs. Barba," he said as he placed the bags on the counter.

"Thank you, Detective Carisi.  I guess I don't need to stay to help Rafael put these away, as I'm assuming you know where everything goes?"

Carisi shifted nervously.

"Um, Mrs. Barba, I think you may have come to the wrong conclusion about why I'm at your son's apartment."

Shit.  Carisi was going to tell his mom about Loring's threat.  She was going to flip out. It just couldn't happen, simple as that.

Carisi opened his mouth to speak again.  Rafael had the momentary thought of knocking the grocery bags to the floor once more, to create a diversion.  Instead, he opened his own mouth.

"He's here because he's my boyfriend."  The outburst surprised Rafael almost as much as it seemed to stun Carisi, who just stood there with his mouth in an "o."

"Hmm," Lucia said, as if she were reserving judgment on the whole situation.  "And do you have a first name, Detective Carisi?"

"Yes ma'am, it's Dominick, but you can call me Sonny."  

"Where are you from, Dominick?"

"Staten Island, ma'am."

Carisi's eyes darted over to Rafael, silently pleading for some sort of explanation or extrication.  Rafael responded by avoiding eye contact.

"And how long have you been a detective?"

"Three years, Mrs. Barba, but the first part of it was at other precincts."

"Sonny's in law school as well," Rafael offered, finally deciding that he owed it to Carisi to intervene somewhat in this interrogation.

"Well that's very industrious of you, Detective."

Rafael couldn't decide whether he preferred for his mom to stay longer, subjecting them to more of her questioning, or leave, at which point he would have to answer to Carisi.

His mom made it a moot question.  "Well I should get going now, as it's late.  I just wanted to drop off these groceries for you, Rafi."

"Thank you Mami."

"I worry that he doesn't take time to care for himself," Lucia added as an explanation to Carisi.  "Do you cook, Dominick?"

"I do," Carisi responded with enthusiasm.  "My grandma taught me all her recipes."

"Good. Then you make sure that my son eats enough, ok?  Or rather, make sure he eats well - I think it's clear he eats enough," she said with a pat to Rafael's belly.

"Mami!"

Rafael noticed Carisi's eyes sliding down to his midsection.  God, now the detective was going to think he'd let himself go.

"Ok Mami, let's get you on your way home - like you said, it's getting late." Rafael hurried his mom towards the door before she could embarrass him further.  

"Let me walk you down to your car, Mrs. Barba."  Carisi slipped on his jacket and surreptitiously slid his gun in the pocket, focused on his job as always.

Rafael busied himself with putting the groceries away.  Some five minutes later, Carisi's knock came at the door.  "It's Sonny, your boyfriend."

Barba steeled himself to face the music.

"You want to tell what that was about, Barba?" Carisi asked as soon as he was inside.  "Or should I say _Rafi_?"

"You were going to tell her about Loring's threat," Rafael said accusatorially, as if he weren't the one who had the explaining to do.

"And?"

"And she worries too much about me as it is.  I can't have her know that a suspect threatened me, especially to the extent that I need armed protection.  She wouldn't be able to handle it, and I certainly wouldn't be able to handle her reaction. She would do an even better job than you are of keeping me in this apartment, and she would probably make me quit my job by the end of it."

"So let me get this straight.  You'd prefer to tell your mom, who clearly has reservations about you having a relationship with a man, that you are in such a relationship with me, when you're not, rather than tell her that you were threatened by a suspect?"

Rafael tilted his head, considering.  "Yes, that pretty much sums it up."

Carisi started smiling.  "Rafael Barba is afraid of his mother."

"I am not afraid, I'm just trying to protect her."

"No you're totally afraid of her," Carisi said, actually giggling now.

Rafael couldn't help chuckling himself.  "Fine, maybe I am. A little. Are you satisfied?"

"I'll be more satisfied if you give up the idea of making a late-night milk run."

"You're in luck, Carisi, my mom brought me some milk. So there'll be no more escape attempts from your charge tonight.  Though I think I'll skip the coffee at this point anyway. I'm ready to turn in."

Rafael brought Carisi some pillows, blankets, and the spare comforter before heading to his room.

Once in bed, his mind turned to every gruesome detail of the murders that they liked Loring for.

With his eyes closed, every sound became heightened.  First the creak of a floorboard. Then the howl of the wind against the windows.

But with his eyes open, the shadows loomed in a way they never had before.  And Loring lurked in every one.

For ten minutes or so Rafael's fright and his pride battled it out.  Finally he swallowed the latter and padded into the living room. Carisi was still awake, curled up in a blanket on the sofa as he looked at something on his phone.

"Hey, what's going on?"  the detective asked as he instinctively reached for his gun from the side table.  "Everything all right?"

"I'm fine," Rafael reassured him.  "Just can't sleep. Loring got in my head," he admitted.

"It's normal to get shaken up, Counselor.  He threatened you." Carisi patted the sofa.  "Why don't you come sit for awhile."

Rafael only hesitated for a moment before he slid in under the blanket next to Carisi.  Even though their bodies weren't touching, he could feel the warmth radiating from the detective.

"My sister sent me some pics from the dinner," Carisi said, leaning over to show Rafael his phone.  Rafael looked at the photo of a large family gathered around a table piled with food.

"That looks nice, Carisi.  I'm sorry you had to miss the dinner because of me."

"It's fine, there'll be a lot more dinners.  And I'm sorry for griping about it earlier, at the precinct."

"You're allowed.  I know this wasn't how you expected to be spending your Friday night."

Carisi shrugged.  "Maybe, but keeping you safe is more important."

Safe. Rafael liked the sound of that.

The detective went back to scrolling through photos on his phone.  Rafael settled in on his side of the sofa, leaning his head back against the cushions.  Here, next to Carisi's calm yet alert presence, the wind seemed to soften and the shadows retreated.

Rafael would only close his eyes for a minute or two.  Just until he had fully calmed down, and then he would return to bed.

The next thing Rafael was conscious of, however, was his face pressed up against upholstery.  As he blinked his eyes open and got his bearings, he realized that he was still on the sofa, sprawled beneath the blanket.  Sunlight was streaming in through the living room windows.

He rolled over to find Carisi asleep on the rug next to the sofa, with the fluffy comforter wrapped around himself like a cocoon.  Oh God, had the detective spent all night on the floor like that?

As if he could feel Rafael's eyes on him, Carisi began to stir.

"Carisi."  Rafael leaned down to prod at him through the comforter.

"Huh?" came the groggy response.

"Carisi, what are you doing on the floor? Why didn't you send me back to bed?"

"You finally looked peaceful once you fell asleep.  I didn't want to wake you up."

"But Carisi, the floor must've been murder on your back."  

Carisi eased himself up into a sitting position.

"Look Barba, I'm here to protect you, not to have a sleepover.  Sometimes the job calls for discomfort. Take stake-outs, for example.  You're sitting in the car for hours, and it's always fucking freezing, and after an hour or two you've gotta pee.  That's the worst, when you gotta pee."

"Carisi."  Rafael held out a hand to stop him.  "Can you please refrain from going on about urination like that first thing in the morning?"  He scrambled off the sofa and made a beeline for the bathroom.

By the time Rafael returned to the living room, Carisi had migrated to the sofa.  He was still ensconced in the comforter, with just his face peeking out.

"Hey Barba," he called out drowsily, "are you gonna cook breakfast for me now?"

"What happened to all that stuff about how the job calls for discomfort, Detective?  Now all of a sudden you're expecting breakfast in bed?"

"Breakfast on the couch," Carisi corrected.  "See, I've been thinking about it. Since it turns out I'm your boyfriend, social custom dictates that you cook breakfast for me after I spend the night."

"I think that expectation only attaches if you put out," Rafael replied mildly.

"I'm not _that_ easy," Carisi huffed before pulling the comforter fully over his head.

Leaving the detective to his hard-earned rest, Rafael headed to the kitchen to put on some coffee.  In the fridge, he found a carton of eggs with a passable date, and in the freezer, some sliced bread and bacon.

Carisi appeared in the kitchen once the bacon was sizzling.  His hair was unexpectedly curly in the morning, the normally slicked-back locks tumbling into his face.

"Barba, you know I was joking about you making me breakfast, right?  You really didn't have to."

"It's the least I can do after causing you to sleep on the floor all night.  Here, why don't you put yourself to use by making the toast."

Carisi wordlessly slid past him in the narrow galley kitchen and started placing the frozen bread in the toaster with a surprising familiarity, as if helping Rafael make breakfast were something he did every weekend.

Rafael placed the food onto serving plates, and Carisi helped him carry everything out to the small dining table.

"This is actually good, Barba," the detective commented between mouthfuls.

"Actually good?  Were you expecting otherwise?"

Carisi reddened slightly.  "I didn't mean that I expected it to be bad.  You just don't really seem like the cooking type is all."

"Hmm," Rafael mused while sipping his coffee, "as my fake boyfriend I think you're supposed to be more complimentary than that."

"I'll work on it."

Rafael looked over at his work papers, stacked to his right.  If he started reading through them, he could once again avoid conversing.  

Instead he turned back to Carisi.  "So tell me about everyone who was at that dinner you were supposed to go to last night."

Carisi launched into a discussion of his immediate and extended family members.  Rafael found himself laughing at the caricatures that the detective painted. Yet he could tell that Carisi really cared about each and every one of them.

Rafael reached for another piece of bacon, then on second thought put it back onto the serving plate.

"That's ok Barba you can take it, I've had enough," Carisi said, pushing the plate towards him.

"No it's not that, I just think I should cut back.  You heard what my mom said last night and, well, she's right."

"Right about what?" Carisi cocked his head like a confused puppy.

"That I'm losing my figure."

"Counselor, there's nothing wrong with your figure.  It's very nice just the way it is."

Rafael started chuckling.  "You have to say that since you're my 'boyfriend,' " he said, using air quotes.  "Now you've gotten the hang of giving compliments."

"Oh, um, yeah, exactly, that's how I meant it," Carisi replied.  "Just trying to be a model fake boyfriend and all."

Carisi's phone pinged on the table.  "Good news. Liv says that the forensics came back, and Loring is a match.  She just sent some unis to pick him up."

Rafael's shoulders sagged in relief.  He hadn't even realized that he'd been tensing them.

"I guess that means I can get out of your hair then, and let you enjoy your weekend," Carisi continued.

"Yeah, I guess so," Rafael replied, trying to summon his enthusiasm.  This was what he wanted, wasn't it, to have his weekend back to himself?

"I think this marks our break up then, fake boyfriend."

"Yes, well, all good things must come to an end."

"I will always cherish these twelve hours we had together," Carisi said with a straight face, hand on heart, his dancing eyes the only thing giving away his amusement.

"God you're a sap.  No wonder we broke up."

"You know you're gonna want me back, Counselor."

"We'll see about that, Detective."


	2. Chapter 2

It was the following Tuesday night that Rafael next saw Carisi, who was all by his lonesome at the precinct.

"Hey Counselor," the detective called out at his approach, looking up from his paperwork.  "What's up?"

"I just came to drop a file off for Benson."  Rafael should have known that she would be home by this hour with Noah.  Carisi was really the only one around this late when the squad wasn't working a case.  "What's new?"

"Not much, just trying to get over my fake breakup from my fake boyfriend," Carisi joked.

"Well you should know that my mother was quite taken with you as my fake boyfriend.  She informed me as much over the phone last night. Apparently you are, and I quote, 'charming, polite, and well-spoken.'  Though I'm not really sure where she got all that from."

Carisi looked far too pleased with himself, especially since Rafael had, for some reason he couldn't pinpoint, left out the part where his mother called the detective handsome.  

"Mothers tend to love me."

"Well, this is the first time my mother has shown approval towards a boyfriend of mine. So . . . thank you for that."

Carisi tilted back in his chair, assessing him.  "Barba, you do know that we weren't _actually_ dating, right?"

"Yes, of course," Rafael answered a bit stiffly.  "My point is, I think that this will help my mother be more open, the next time there's a real boyfriend.  An unanticipated benefit of this little charade."

Carisi stretched out his hands behind his head, leaning back precariously now.  "I do what I can."

Rafael couldn't help rolling his eyes at the detective's self-satisfaction.  But he had to give credit where credit was due.

"Well you must have worked some sort of a miracle, because she even insisted that I bring you to her charter school's fundraiser dinner next week."

The front legs of Carisi's chair fell back to the floor with a thud.

"I told her that you couldn't make it of course," Rafael added quickly, "with some excuse about mandatory overtime."

"Well, I could always go with you if you wanted me to," Carisi said cautiously.

Rafael opened his mouth and then closed it again, finding no response.

"Hear me out," Carisi said, as if he were convincing Barba to take on a case.  "You think that meeting me helped your mom be more comfortable with your being with a guy, right?  Well then, this dinner could really seal the deal."

"Carisi, no offense, but I don't generally think of _more_ exposure to you as being the solution to things."

The detective managed to look only slightly affronted at the dig.

"Besides," Rafael continued, "I can't in good conscience ask you to give up an evening of your free time to address my family dynamics."

"Yeah I guess not, Counselor.  Unless . . . "

"Unless what, Carisi?"

"The thing is, I have exams coming up.  What if you give me a study session in return?  Then you don't have to be feeling bad about taking my time."

"A study session."

"Yeah, a study session.  Look, you're so knowledgeable that I'm sure it would be a huge help to me to run things through with you."

Well, Carisi was right about his knowledge.  And who was Rafael to deny a future legal mind the benefit of his insight?  It would be a favor to Carisi, really. And Rafael would get company for the dinner out of it.

"What did you have in mind for the terms of this deal, Detective?"

"One study session.  One subject."

Carisi's proffer was modest and reasonable, and so Rafael nodded in agreement.  "The length of the study session may reach but not exceed the length of the fundraiser dinner."

"It's a deal," Carisi said, while offering his hand.

"Deal," Rafael responded, shaking on it.

That Saturday evening, as Rafael did up his cuff links and picked out a blazer, he started having second thoughts.  Many of them. Wait, could you have many second thoughts, or by definition could there only be a pair of them?

God, why did his brain fixate on these things?  Anyway, bringing Carisi as his fake boyfriend would most certainly prove to be a misguided attempt at broadening his mother's comfort zone.  It was ridiculous, like some sort of contrived plot device.

Maybe there was still time to cancel the whole thing?

As if in response, Rafael's phone buzzed with a text from Carisi:

_I'm outside_

Well that was the answer to that then.  

_As my fake boyfriend, shouldn't you come up to get me?_

_Nah. A fake boyfriend is allowed some laziness.  Plus I'm double-parked._

_Ok, you get a pass this time.  Be right down._

Carisi looked smart in a baby blue sweater and navy overcoat.  "You actually clean up well, Detective," Rafael commented as he buckled his seatbelt.

"You don't have to sound so surprised about it, Counselor.  Shoulda known that when I finally got a compliment from you it would be a backhanded one."

"Well let's focus on the fact that it was at least a compliment."

Carisi grinned at him.  "Don't worry, it's gonna go in my diary for sure. But on to more serious matters - we gotta figure out our backstory.  Like, how did we start dating?"

"I think all that we need to decide is that it happened after we met at work.  That's the most plausible explanation." There was no need to complicate things unnecessarily.

"But we need to come up with more than that, Counselor. I gotta know what motivates me."

"What, are you a method actor now?"

Carisi shrugged.  "I find it helps with my undercover work."

"Well, then, you can come up with as detailed an origin story as you want for yourself, Detective.  Just do it silently."

"Fine, but you're forfeiting any rights to our backstory, Barba."

"I think I'll take that chance."

When they arrived at the school, Rafael led Carisi through the maze of hallways to the cafeteria.  It was decked out in makeshift decorations, clearly crafted by the student body.

Lucia waved brightly from the other side of the room, then motioned them over.  Rafael felt a warmth inside at the fact that she was excited he was there with his male partner.  Maybe Carisi was right, and this evening would signal a positive change

"Hi Mami, everything looks great," he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you my baby.  Hi Dominick, it's nice to see you again.  I'm so glad you could make it."

"Thank you for inviting me Mrs. Barba."

"Oh wait, I want you to meet someone," she said, catching the arm of a man walking by.  "Mark, do you have a moment? I want you to meet my son."

"I'd love to, Lucia."

Rafael sized Mark up.  He looked like the type of investment banker whose guilt his mother was expert at milking in order to extract donations for her kids.

"Rafi, Mark and his husband Benjamin have been longtime donors to our arts enrichment program.  Mark, this is my son Rafael, who is an Assistant District Attorney, and his partner Dominick, who is a detective with the NYPD.  I think you're all at the same table, so you'll have a chance to get better acquainted later."

"Well I look forward to it," Mark said cheerily before taking his leave.

Rafael's smile tightened as his mother's motives became clear.

"Mami I can't believe you!" he whispered, leaning around Carisi, who stood between them.

"I don't know what you you're talking about," his mom whispered back indignantly, leaning forward herself.

"Yes you do.  I thought you wanted me to bring Car- I mean, Sonny - because you were taking a genuine interest in my personal life.  But it turns out you just wanted some model gays to butter up your donor husbands."

"The two things don't have to be mutually exclusive, Rafi."

"Oh, so you're admitting it then?  Besides which, Mami, it's kind of offensive to think that gay people will only have a good time if they're sitting next to other other gay people."

"Rafi, please, you're making too big a deal of this.  You know, Dominick, sometimes I think it would've been easier if my son had turned out to be a doctor rather than a lawyer - he wouldn't talk back as much. Is he like this with you too?"

Carisi was caught figuratively and quite literally in the middle.  "I . . . um . . ."

Rafael shook his head.  "Honestly I should leave right now, Mami."

"Rafi, think of the children," his mother hissed at him.

Carisi's hand came to rest on his upper arm.  "Hey let's go take a little walk, cool down a bit."

Rafael let himself be steered by Carisi, whose hand was now on the small of his back, out of the cafeteria and into the hallway.

"You ok?" Carisi asked once they were stopped in front of a row of lockers.

"I'm fine."

Rafael blinked his eyes rapidly, looking down at his shoes to avoid Carisi's gaze.  It simply would not do to cry in front of the detective. Rafael's ability to wrangle the SVU squad depended on instilling a healthy dose of fear in them, and he did not want to jeopardize that.

A hand came to lift Rafael's chin, and then Carisi's thumb was brushing under his eyelid to catch a wavering tear.

"You know, as your fake boyfriend I'm here to listen."

"I just - I thought she actually wanted you here.  I mean, not _you_ specifically, but my boyfriend."

"I'll try not to be offended by that," Carisi said, though there was no bite to it.  Rafael found himself distracted by the fact that the detective's hand was still touching his face, cupping his cheek now.

"From an outsider's perspective, your mom seems . . . accepting, at least?" The hand withdrew suddenly, as if Carisi had just realized that it was lingering.

"She is.  I guess after two decades I hoped that she would be beyond mere acceptance.  But maybe I should just be happy about where we are."

"I don't think you need to feel bad about wanting more."

Rafael ran a hand along the mustard yellow lockers.  "At least these bring back good memories. I always loved getting my books out of my locker."

Sonny looked surprised.  "You mean you don't have bad memories of getting slammed into lockers?"

"As a mouthy nerd I was definitely a target, but I had a stronger friend who always protected me."

Rafael contemplated Carisi, wondering where his question had stemmed from.  "Do you have your own bad locker memories? I'm surprised, given how tall you are."

The detective shrugged.  "Sometimes the skinny scrawny kids are targets too."

"I take it you didn't have someone to protect you?"

"You know me," Carisi responded lightly, "always trying too hard to fit in."

Rafael frowned, thinking of Carisi, whom he had always imagined to have been a happy-go-lucky jock, as a lonely and bullied child.

Carisi shifted a bit restlessly.  "Hey if you want to leave this event or stay I am in full support of your decision.  But either way can we get out of the hallway, I'm starting to get flashbacks to the less rosy parts of my middle school experience."

Rafael fiddled with a lock on one of the lockers as he thought.  "Let's stay."

"You sure?  We could play hooky and go get ice cream instead."

"How very middle school.  No, I think I can be adult about this and go back in."

When they reentered the cafeteria, everyone was starting to take their seats for dinner.  Rafael found himself and Carisi their spots.

Carisi surprised Rafael by pulling his chair out for him.  He was really taking this fake boyfriend thing to the max.

"Thank you, Sonny."  Chivalry usually irked Rafael, with its connotations of assumed gender roles and pretension.  But somehow with Carisi it came across simply as a caring gesture. Plus, this was all make-believe anyway.

"So how did the two of you meet?" Mark asked, after introducing them to his husband.

"Through work," Rafael replied simply.  "First we were just friends, and then it led to a relationship."

"Honeybunch, you're leaving out the best parts of the story," Carisi interjected.  He was definitely going to pay later for that saccharine nickname, Rafael decided.

"Sonny, I don't think that our dining companions really want to hear all the details."

"Oh no, we do," Benjamin assured him.  "We're always fans of a good love story."

"Then you're in luck, because this is an epic love story," Carisi said gleefully.

Mark and Benjamin leaned in closer, riveted.  Rafael, for his part, eyed the detective warily.  Where was this headed?

"See, what happened is that Rafael here was the one who chased me."  Carisi gestured with his hands as he talked, setting the scene. "He fell for me hard and was totally pining for me.  Meanwhile I didn't have a clue."

Rafael gave Carisi's leg a kick under the table.  Why did he have to be the desperate one in the story?

In response, Carisi snaked an arm around Rafael's waist and pulled him closer.  "I know that Rafael may seem aloof, but it turns out he's a total romantic. He made a declaration of love to me in the middle of the squad room, in front of everyone."

"I wouldn't really call it a declaration," Rafael demurred.

"He even quoted poetry to me," Carisi continued, nonplussed.

"Which poem?" Benjamin asked breathlessly.

"Oh, umm, gee, it's slipped my mind, can you believe that?" Carisi faltered, scratching his head.

Hah!  Finally, an overreach.  Rafael would bet that Carisi had never taken a poetry seminar in college.  Rafael had - two seminars, in fact. But he wasn't about to help Carisi out with a poem title.

"You remember the name, right Honeybunch?" Carisi asked him, eyes pleading.

"Oh it's on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't remember, Sugarbun."

"Wait, I got it, it's called _There's a certain slant of light_ ," Carisi said triumphantly.

Mark and Benjamin both looked slightly aghast at the selection.

"Dickinson is a bit of an unusual choice for a love declaration," Benjamin said diplomatically.

"Yes, isn't that poem about loneliness and death?" Mark added.  "What made you choose it, Rafael?"

Great.  Now two strangers were judging him because Carisi couldn't remember any other poems.  Rafael would have to improvise.

"I intended it as a metaphor for the way that my life had been like a solitary and dark winter until Sonny came into it.  To me, Dickinson's work really speaks to the human condition. The poem reminds me that even when the winter passes and love enters our lives, our mortality remains.  That is what motivated me to stop wasting time and tell Sonny how I felt about him."

"Wow, that's deep," Mark said.  "It's sounds like you have a real spiritual connection to Dickinson."

"I do," Rafael concurred with as straight a face as he could muster.  "Every year I make a pilgrimage to her house."

Rafael could feel Carisi shaking silently against him, trying to keep his laughter at bay.

An awkward silence fell, as neither Mark nor Benjamin seemed to know how to respond to Rafael's last statement.  

Finally Carisi spoke up.  "And how did the the two of you meet?" he asked politely.  This was always the part of small talk that Rafael failed at - showing interest in random details of other people's lives.

"At a Revolutionary War reenactment," Mark explained.  "You could say it was a bit of a Romeo and Juliet moment, because I was portraying a British soldier and Ben was a revolutionary.  Would you like to see photos? I have some from our most recent reenactment on my phone."

Rafael opened his mouth to say something snarky about exactly how much he didn't want to see historical reenactment photos. But Carisi cut in before he could get a chance.  "We would love to, but it looks like they're about to start the program soon."

The detective was turning out to be quite useful in social situations.

Now Rafael's mom was going up to the front of the room to give her remarks.  "Thank you all so much for coming out tonight to support our after-school arts program . . ."  

Even when he was unhappy with her, Rafael couldn't help being proud.  Lucia was in charge and on a mission to get things done for her kids.

As they sat through additional speeches, followed by a performance of the seventh grade choir, Carisi leaned over every once in awhile to whisper commentary in his ear.  Rafael found himself forgetting his disappointment in his mother as he chuckled at Carisi's humorous observations.

The eighth grade band began playing Big Band tunes, inviting the attendees up to dance.  "Oh that sound fun," Benjamin exclaimed as he and Mark got up from their seats. "Will the two of you join us?"

Rafael shook his head at the same time as Carisi nodded his.  "Of course we will. Rafael loves to dance, don't you Cupcake?"

There was no way that Carisi was going to get him onto that linoleum dance floor.  "I think you forgot that I pulled a muscle this morning, Poptart."

Carisi narrowed his eyes, but had no comeback to that.

"I don't dance in public," Rafael informed him in no uncertain terms once the husbands were out of earshot.

"Oh so you dance in private then?" Carisi asked with a knowing smirk.  "As your fake boyfriend do I get a special performance later?"

Rafael just side-eyed the detective, not even deigning to give a response.  One could only hope that Carisi had better lines for women, because his fake gay flirting was pretty pathetic.

The music brought the event to an end, at which point Rafael managed to slip out without having to talk to his mother again. In the car, he couldn't help teasing Carisi.

"You really had to go with _There's a certain slant of light_ , Carisi?"

"Hey what's wrong with it?"

"Nothing's wrong with it.  Dickinson is one of my favorites, in fact.  But as a love poem?"

"In my defense, that was the only poem I could remember from high school English class.  A certain someone refused to help me out, and so that's what I was left to work with."

"That's what _you_ left _me_ to work with, you mean."

"Novels are more my thing.  You know, they've got the character development, the plot, the descriptions.  I never really understood the appeal of poetry. Though I gotta say, Counselor, that was pretty impressive how you made up that analysis of the poem on the spot."

"I just drew on my experience dealing with curveballs in court."

"So you're saying that half the time you're just BS'ing up there?"

"Pretty much," Rafael grinned.  "Welcome to life as a lawyer, Carisi."

Before Rafael realized it they had pulled up in front of his apartment building.

"Thank you for coming with me tonight, Carisi.  It made this event much more tolerable than usual."

"Tolerable? Boy you're really dishing out the compliments tonight Counselor."

"Fine, you made it fun, how's that?"

"I'll take that compliment," Carisi said with a grin.  "So how about next Saturday?"

"Next Saturday?"

"For the study session."

"Oh.  Of course.  Yes, that would work."  Somehow Rafael had almost forgotten that this whole evening was, at its root, contractual in nature.

"We don't have to if you're busy," Carisi hastened to add.  "We don't even have to do the study session at all, honestly.  I had a nice time tonight, it wasn't a burden or anything, so I don't want you to feel obligated- "

"No, a deal's a deal, Carisi.  Next Saturday sounds good."

As Rafael turned to open the car door, he felt Carisi's hand come to rest on his arm.  "I'm sorry things didn't go as you'd hoped with your mom, Barba."

"It's fine.  We can't always get everything that we want.  Now, I expect you to let me know which subject you want to focus on for our study session."

"Will do, Counselor.  I can't wait for you to drop some knowledge on me."

"I do what I can," Rafael said as he got out of the car, giving a wave before heading inside.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested playlist for this chapter:
> 
> Amy Winehouse - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
> 
> The Ronettes - Be My Baby

Rafael yawned and rubbed at his bleary eyes as he flipped another page of the textbook. 

It was only seven in the morning, an hour at which he normally permitted himself to remain in bed on a Saturday.  Instead he was installed at his home desk and already on his second cup of coffee. He took another sip, pulling his cashmere robe tighter around himself against the morning chill.

Of course Carisi had to choose Administrative Law.  It was one of the few courses that Rafael had struggled with in law school; he had mastered just enough to scrape by.  And in the years since, the subject had rarely come up in his work as a prosecutor.

All of which was to say that Rafael was coming at this with, pretty much, nothing.  But thanks to overnight delivery, at least he now had a textbook and two study guides to cram with.

The rational part of his brain knew that he should have just come clean with Carisi about it.  The detective would have been fine with choosing another subject for their study session. With something like Evidence or Criminal Procedure, Rafael would have been in his element.

But Carisi had this way of looking at him with a kind of awe, like Rafael was the font of all legal wisdom.  Besides which, how would he be able to continue cracking night school jokes if he revealed the gaps in his own knowledge?

By ten o'clock it was becoming apparent that Rafael would have to decide between depth and breadth.  There was no way he was going to be able to learn a whole subject in a day, especially when he needed to get some actual work done as well.

He decided to go for depth, even if that meant he wouldn't make it all the way through the material on Carisi's syllabus.   What were the chances that he and Carisi would get that far in their study session anyway?

Rafael made it through about three-quarters of the material before deeming it necessary to turn to trial prep.  At 4 o'clock, he put all work aside in order to shower and shave. It felt weirdly like getting ready for a date, even though this was the farthest thing from one.  

As he arrived at Carisi's building, Rafael wondered briefly whether he should have brought something with him, like a bottle of wine.  It seemed somehow improper to show up empty-handed. But it was too late now in any event.

Carisi welcomed him into a cozy studio apartment.  A delicious smell came from the kitchen side of the room, and the cluttered counter showed signs of recent food prep.  Maybe Carisi had a real date later.

"I hope I'm not getting in the way of any plans you have tonight," Rafael said.

"Plans?"

"Well it looks like you've got some serious cooking going on over there."

"Oh that's for us, I figured we'd get hungry while studying.  I put a roast in the oven."

Rafael blinked in surprise.  "Oh, I assumed we'd just order a pizza or something."

Carisi's expression turned downcast.  "Maybe it's too big of a meal - I should have checked whether you wanted something like that.  I like to cook a lot on the weekends; that way I have plenty of leftovers during the week."

"Don't worry, Carisi, I'm never going to complain about a home-cooked meal.  And you know, my mother did tell you to keep me well-fed."

The detective brightened.  "Well the roast should take about two more hours, so we can do the studying first and then eat.  This is my study table, please make yourself comfortable."

Rafael settled himself at the square wooden table in the middle of the room.  He guessed that this was also the dining table and the everything-else table, as it was the only one in the cramped space.

"I went through the first module myself earlier today," Carisi said, "so I thought we could start with the second one."

Rafael swallowed even as he nodded.  Skipping the first of the four modules would bring them that much closer to the one that he hadn't managed to get to.  He would just have to figure out a way to deal with it.

And so they began to work through the material.  Rafael gave Carisi his thoughts on the most important concepts of each section, and they reviewed key cases.  When Carisi tried his hand at some practice questions, Rafael found himself impressed by the detective's analysis.

Before Rafael knew it, they had reached the fourth and final module.  "What do you think are the most important things I should take away from this part?" Carisi asked eagerly.

Rafael hesitated, then decided to be frank about it.  "I, um, I didn't make it that far."

"Wow I'm surprised, I would've expected that Harvard Law would cover everything in detail."

Rafael shook his head at Carisi's misunderstanding.  "I mean I didn't get that far today in trying to learn the material.  I'm sure we covered everything in class when I was in law school. The issue is that I didn't grasp the subject matter well at the time.  Add the passage of fifteen years to that . . ."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Carisi asked, wide-eyed.

Rafael looked down at the syllabus, worrying the corner of the page between his thumb and forefinger.  "I guess I didn't want to admit that I don't know something. And that I didn't do well in the class."

It had been only his second semester of law school.  At the time he still felt like an impostor amongst the sea of prep school graduates with their private tutoring and summers at the Hamptons.

Unexpectedly, Carisi's face broke into a grin.  Unbelievable. The little punk must be making fun of him.      

"Do you find this confession amusing, Detective?" Rafael asked coolly.

"No, I'm just happy because it means that you're human after all, like the rest of us.  Now I can relax around you."

Rafael gave a little huff, still feeling somewhat exposed.  "Great, just what I needed."

"Look Barba, it was just one class, years ago.  You're still the smartest person I know. I mean, two notes in the Harvard Law Review, graduating with honors. . ."

Rafael arched an eyebrow.  "Should I be concerned that you know so much about my academic resume, Detective?"

Carisi's pale cheeks turned rosy.  "Nah, it's just, when I started working at SVU I looked you up, because I was so impressed by you.  But if you don't want me to keep recounting your achievements, I certainly don't have to."

"Oh no, please continue."  

The timer on Carisi's watch had other ideas, interrupting with a sharp staccato beep.

"That means it's time to check on the roast." Carisi jumped up and pivoted to open the oven door.

Rich, savory smells flooded out.  "God that smells good," Rafael commented as he got up himself to inspect the pan that Carisi was hefting onto the stovetop.  The roast was nestled on a bed of carrots, potatoes, and mushrooms flecked with herbs.

"Carisi, that looks like it was labor-intensive.  I really didn't mean for you to spend your afternoon cooking for me when I'm sure you have a lot of studying to do."

The detective shrugged as he rummaged in a kitchen drawer for some sort of implement.  "And I didn't mean for you to spend half your day learning administrative law from scratch for me, and yet here we are."

Having found what he was looking for, Carisi slid the long meat thermometer smoothly into the roast, up to the hilt.  "Oh it took it so well, that's a good sign," he said, leaning in to read the temperature.

Rafael felt inexplicably flushed.  It must have been from standing so close to the hot oven.

Carisi removed the thermometer and shut the oven off, clearly satisfied.  "Honestly, the roast wasn't that much work - it was really just throwing things together in the pan.  I'm going to make a quick gravy now to top it off."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"  

"If you could clear the study materials off the table that would be great.  You can just put them on the bookcase."

Rafael gathered up Carisi's outlines, practice questions, and textbook.  He found what appeared to be the designated law school shelf of the bookcase and slotted the study materials into an empty space at one end.

The other shelves contained stacks of novels, video games, and CD's of bands Rafael had never heard of with hipster names like Breadbox Confidential and Searching for Swallows.

By the time Rafael had finished perusing Carisi's music collection and returned to the table, the detective was plating up the food and getting water glasses.  Rafael eagerly dug in.

"Ok Carisi, this settles it.  Next time I'm threatened by a suspect and you get conscripted into guarding me, there's not going to be any takeout."

"There's not?" Carisi asked with fork half-raised, looking slightly distressed at the thought.

"No, instead we're stopping by the grocery store, and then you're cooking for us.  This is fucking fantastic."

Carisi beamed at the compliment.  "Does that mean it meets the fake boyfriend standard?" he joked.

"Meets and exceeds." Rafael had already praised Carisi more in a minute than he had in a year, which somehow went against all his principles, but this was one of the best roasts he'd ever eaten.  

"Seriously," he continued, "add some wine and this meal would be an A+ fake date."

"Well I do have a Cabernet," Carisi said as he rose from the table to retrieve it.  "I think it's safe to say we're done with studying for the evening, so we might as well turn this into a full-fledged fake date and enjoy ourselves.  I can even put on some music."

"As long as it's not one of those nonsensical bands you seem to have an affinity for," Rafael said with a gesture towards the CD's on the bookcase.  "We may be at your apartment, but I refuse to listen to something called Salvaging Sparrows."

Carisi started laughing, his chuckles growing into hearty peals that caused him to put down the wine bottle mid-pour.

"What?"

"You called it Salvaging Sparrows," Carisi said as he wiped at his eyes.  "You called it Salvaging Sparrows when the name is actually Searching for Swallows."

Not that there was any meaningful difference as far as Rafael was concerned.  Both sounded equally ridiculous, and he said as much.

"It's this awesome band out of Brooklyn," Carisi explained.

"Brooklyn.  Figures."

"Fine, I won't make you listen to any of my up-and-coming indy music.  I'm gonna put on my '60's/'70's playlist, that should be more your speed Grandpa."

Rafael put down his fork and knife in a gesture of protest.  "Just exactly how old do you think I am, Detective?"

Carisi grinned.  "Apparently old enough to get ruffled by an age joke."

"Ha ha.  Well if we're talking about old music, then I think some of the best music is several centuries old."  Rafael began telling Carisi about some of his favorite operas. The detective showed an interest.

"I think maybe I'll download recordings of some of those operas to listen to while I'm studying.  I'd love to go to a performance sometime. I've lived in New York my whole life and that's something I've never really done.  But it'll have to wait 'til after I get through law school."

"Because of the cost?"

"Partially, but mainly it's the time.  Between work and school, sometimes I barely have time to eat and sleep, let alone go out at night."

"I honestly don't know how you do it," Rafael commented.  "I remember time management being a struggle in school even without a full-time job."

"Well I'm only taking a part-time courseload, so that helps."

"As a night student, how much of the campus experience do you get?"

"I have the same access as the full-time students to things like guest lectures and student groups, but with my work schedule it's tough to take part in anything."

"That makes sense.  Though it's a shame you have to miss out on that part of the law school experience."  

Rafael thought back to his own exhilaration at sitting in on guest lectures.  Afterwards, he and Rita would usually compare notes over a bottle (or two, or three) of wine.  They would start out discussing the content of the lecture. Then, as the level of wine in the bottle dropped in inverse proportion to their level of inebriation, they would invariably turn to assessing the hotness of the guest lecturer.

Carisi nodded.  "I'm trying to carve out time to go to special events on campus.  You know, actually use some of my vacation days. And this semester I joined a student group, started going to planning meetings and stuff."

"Which student group?"

"It's called Legally Proud, it's the LGBTQA law group.  They're doing some advocacy on a proposed city-wide non-discrimination ordinance."

"Good for you for getting involved."  Liv's efforts to smooth Carisi's edges and teach the young detective greater sensitivity towards others must be bearing fruit if he was making this effort to learn about LGBT issues.

"Would you like a second serving?" Carisi asked.

"I would, but I'm stuffed."

The detective got up to clear the table, stacking the dishes in the sink.

As a new song came on Carisi's playlist, Rafael heard the distinctive _boom, boom boom buh; boom, boom boom buh_ of Be My Baby.  

Carisi began to move in time to the music.  "The night we met I knew I needed you sooooo," he crooned into the spatula in his hand, wielding it like a microphone.  The other hand reached out, beckoning.

Rafael, however, remained firmly planted in his chair.  "Carisi, I think I made it quite clear at the fundraiser last week that I do not dance in public."

"But this isn't really in public," Carisi countered.  "Plus, look, your foot is tapping along to the beat. Your body totally wants to dance along."

Rafael glanced down at his traitorous foot, which was indeed tapping away enthusiastically.  "Fine. But you tell no one that I dance to girl group songs."

After Carisi nodded his agreement, Rafael allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and started swaying his hips.

"See Counselor, you've got moves."

"My moves were never in question, Detective.  Only whether you would get to see them."

"I shoulda known you'd be as good at dancing as you are at everything else.  Here, Barba, take it away." Carisi tilted the spatula towards him.

"Be my, be my, be my little baby," Rafael belted into the spatula.  "Say you'll be my darling. . . Be my baby noooowwww. . ."

Carisi was smiling down at him, eyes crinkling and delight evident upon his face. Rafael was suddenly hyper aware of the proximity of the detective's pink lips.  If he were just to tilt his head back and crane his neck . . .

_Boom, boom boom buh; boom, boom boom buh._

Rafael took a step back, in disbelief that he'd been a moment away from kissing the detective.  Where in the hell had that come from?

"I should - I should go," he said, his body ceasing its movements.

"Of course," Carisi replied, brow furrowed.  "Gosh, I'm afraid I've taken too much of your free time already.  You didn't even sign up to spend extra time hanging out with me, and here I've gone and made you stay past our study session."

Of course Carisi would feel responsibility for Rafael's awkward exit.  Even as he moved to put his coat on, Rafael tried to assuage the detective's misplaced guilt.  

"I was happy to do it, Carisi.  Please don't feel bad. And I had a lovely time on our fake date tonight.  It's just that it's late, and I have an early start tomorrow, so I think I should go."

Carisi nodded, though he still looked worried, as if he had done something to send Rafael running.  "Thank you again Counselor," he said as he held open the door. "I'm really glad you came over tonight."

"Me too."  And then Rafael fled out into the night.


	4. Chapter 4

Rafael stretched languidly in bed and considered closing his eyes again.  But he had fallen back asleep several times already after making half-hearted efforts to rouse himself.  It was surely time to start planning his Saturday. He groped for the clock on his nightstand, eyes widening as he saw the time.  11:30 - how could that be?

He couldn't remember the last time he had stayed in bed past eleven, even on a weekend.  His Saturday mornings were often spent catching up on work, free from the phone calls and other distractions that intruded on his time during the week.

This Saturday was one of those days when Rafael had a stack of neglected files to dig into.  He should already be making headway on them. But the day seemed to stretch tedious and lackluster before him, offering no incentive to leave his warm bed.  Perhaps relatedly, it was the first Saturday in a month that Rafael wasn't spending, in part, with Carisi. First there had been the overnight protective detail, then the fundraiser dinner, and finally the study session.  

Rafael had come to terms with several things in the week since he had abruptly left - ok, run away from - Carisi's apartment.  The primary one being that he held sentiments towards the undoubtedly off-limits detective that were undeniably romantic in nature. And physical in nature too, it seemed, given his sudden urge to kiss Carisi that night.

_Physical._  Rafael rucked up his t-shirt, running his hands over his belly and chest.  For a moment he allowed himself to imagine that it was the detective's fingers tracing his skin.

A buzzing sound from beside him put an end to that indulgence.  Rafael rolled over to see his mother's face beaming out at him from his cell phone.  God, it was like she had some sort of sixth sense that picked up on her son touching himself.

"Hi Mami."

"Rafi, finally I reached you.  We haven't spoken since the fundraiser."

"I've been busy Mami."

"You've been avoiding my calls, Rafi."  Which couldn’t exactly be denied.

Rafael pulled the comforter up to his chin.  "Well, we're talking now."

"You're not already working on a Saturday Rafi, are you?"

"Yes, but just a bit."  Lucia would surely worry more about Rafael if she knew he was still in bed at this uncharacteristically late hour.

"You work too much, my baby."

"Pot meet kettle, Mami.  So what's up?"

"I was calling to invite you and Dominick out to lunch.  We could do it next weekend if you're both free then."

"Let me guess, the lunch would be with some of your gay donors.  Because that's the only reason you would care to invite Sonny."

Rafael heard the bite in his words as he said them, but it was already too late.  The words floated from his mouth to tunnel through space and time and into his mother's ear.  Lucia gave a sad sigh.

"Rafi, I was thinking about what you said recently, that I never show the same interest in your boyfriends.  And you were right. Well I want to get to know Dominick, he's obviously special to you. So I was thinking what better way than to share a meal.  Just the three of us, I promise."

Now it was Rafael who sighed.  Just what he had always hoped for, yet there was no boyfriend for his mom to actually get to know.  "That would be really nice, Mami, but Sonny and I . . . we're not together."

"What?"  Lucia sounded startled.  "You mean you broke up?"

"Something like that."  It seemed preferable to continue the lie than to confess it had all been a sham to begin with.

"But you seemed so happy together at the fundraiser, and that was just a few weeks ago."

"These things happen, Mami."

"What did you do, Rafi?"  There was a note of accusation in her voice.

"What did _I do?_   Why do you assume it was somehow my fault?"

"Because I know you, mijo, and I know that you can be grumpy, and difficult, and reluctant to let people in.  And that young man seemed easygoing and personable."

"Thank you for your flattering assessment of my character, Mami," Rafael said dryly.  

"Don't take it as a criticism, Rafi.  You know you've never had a politician's personality."

"Yes, you alerted me to that fact when I was seven years old."

"You need to fix this, Rafi."

"Mami, it's not something that can just be fixed, like a broken washing machine."  

"Look Rafi, all I know is that at the fundraiser Dominick was making you smile in a way that I haven't seen in a long time.  I think he's good for you, and I just want to see you happy. Promise me you'll try to make things work with him?"

"Fine Mami, I'll try." Why not throw one more lie on the heap.

"Good, you know what a mother wants to hear.  Now I'll let you get on with the rest of your day."  

Rafael hesitated, unsure how to articulate the fullness he felt at his mother’s gesture.  "Mami, thank you for inviting Sonny to lunch. It means a lot to me that you wanted to do that."

"Of course.  I love you mijo, you know that right?  Now don't work too hard today."

"I love you too Mami, and I won't.  Make sure you don't work too hard either.  Bye."

After hanging up, Rafael pulled the comforter up over his head and burrowed down further into the warm avoidance of his bed.  What could one more half hour hurt, right?


	5. Chapter 5

During an interlude of silence, Rafael took a deep breath to calm himself, then turned his focus back to the direct examination questions he was typing.  Just then the hammering and sawing right outside his office started up again, even louder than before.

"Goddamit!"

He picked up his phone to find someone to vent to.  Scrolling through his contacts, he paused on Carisi's name.

Rafael had spent the past week convincing himself to tamp down the romantic feelings that had unexpectedly bloomed within him.  Those feelings were never going anywhere, and the sooner he acknowledged that the better.

Better still to focus his energies on the friendship that also seemed to be blooming between him and the detective.  The more he watered the platonic, the more the romantic would wilt, right?

And so he texted Carisi to complain, friend to friend.

_You wouldn't believe it, they're doing massive construction in the office today.  There's even a jackhammer. It's ridiculous. How is anyone supposed to get any work done?_

_Well it is a Saturday, Barba.  They're probably trying to be considerate and do it when no one's working._

_Yes, but I'm working!_

_Why don't you come work with me?  I'm studying in the law school library. There's no major construction here._

Rafael paused.  Maybe this would be pushing the friendship initiative a bit too fast.

_But only university affiliates can use the library, right?_

Within a minute Carisi's reply came, with a solution.

_Don't worry, I can get you in.  I made friends with the security guard._

Of course he had.

 _Am I going to have to sit at a table surrounded by students?_  

After all, Rafael was accustomed to his space and privacy when he was working.

_You're being awfully picky for someone whose current workspace includes a jackhammer._

Fair point.  The little bubble showed that Carisi was continuing to type.

_Anyway, you're in luck.  I reserved a study room for myself today, so you won't have to mingle with the masses._

Rafael contemplated.  It really would be impossible to get anything done in the office today.

_Ok, you've convinced me Detective.  See you in half an hour._

Carisi looked a bit worse for wear, Rafael decided as he unpacked his laptop and his files in the study room.  Speaking of which, the moniker 'study room' seemed a bit glorified for what was essentially a closet with a table and two chairs shoved into it.

But back to Carisi.  The detective was in faded sweats and had a harried look on his face.  Amplified by the way his hair stood up every which way, clearly the product of nervous fingers threading through it.

"You doing ok there, Detective?  You seem a bit stressed."

"Yeah, that case we caught this week totally destroyed my study schedule, and now I'm way behind."

Rafael wasn't very good at giving positive reinforcement, as he was more accustomed to using criticism to goad the SVU squad forward.  But he thought he should give it a try.

"Keep your chin up, Carisi," he said as he settled himself across from the detective at the small table.

They worked together in companionable silence for about an hour.  Rafael's concentration was only interrupted by the pinging of his phone.  

He looked down to see a message from his law school friend Jonathan, apologetically backing out of their plans that evening.  Apparently both his wife and his baby had the stomach bug, and so he had to do nurse duty.

The nerve of him, having family members who got sick.  Rafael scowled down at his phone.

"Hey what's wrong?" Carisi asked.  "You look like your phone just personally attacked you."

"The guy I was supposed to go to the opera with tonight had to cancel on me.  Now I have to find someone to use his ticket or go by myself."

Rafael turned his attention back to his files, even as he started wracking his brain about who might want to come with him last-minute.

"Oh.  So you were, like, planning to go out with this guy tonight?"

"Hmm? Yes, that's what I said Carisi," Rafael replied distractedly as he tried to find his place in the file again.

Having secured his spot with a sticky note, he paused to look up at the detective.  Carisi seemed dispirited about something; the studying must really be getting to him.  Maybe he would want to take a break later.

"Would you want to go with me, Carisi?  I remember you said that you were interested in seeing an opera sometime."

The detective looked up eagerly, before reluctantly turning his gaze back to the textbooks and outlines spread before him.  "I'd really love to, Barba, but I'm so far behind in studying that I don't think I can miss an evening."

Rafael tried to ignore the twinge of disappointment that he felt at Carisi's words.  "Don't worry about it. We can go together another time, once you're done with exams.  We can make a fake date of it."

Carisi looked up from his study materials again, this time with a sort of anguish painted on his face.  

"Um, Barba, can we stop with the fake date thing?"

"Oh, of course, if you don't want to go to the opera-"

"No, it's not that I don't want to go.  Its really not that. It's the joke - the fake boyfriends joke.  Can we please not joke about that anymore?"

Rafael sat in silence for a moment, saddened.  He hadn't expected Carisi to hold his sexuality against him, to be afraid of it.

"I thought you were better than this, Detective."

Carisi seemed startled at the statement.  "Better than what?"

"Better than this heteronormative aversion to talk of a relationship between two men.  I'm sorry that it apparently makes you uncomfortable to joke about it."

The detective's expression turned to puzzlement.  "Barba, why would I be heteronormative-anything when I'm gay?"

Now it was Rafael's turn to be stunned.

"You're gay?"

"You didn't know?"

"How would I?"

"I told you I joined the Legally Proud group at school."

"And I was supposed to deduce you were gay from that, Carisi?  Those groups are for allies too."

"Yeah but how many allies actually join them?  You know how it is in law school. Everyone is too busy and self-absorbed to be an ally for someone else."

Rafael shrugged.  "I couldn't say. I was too involved with Law Review to know much about other clubs."

"Proving my point."

"Why didn't you just tell me, Carisi?"

"Well, I figure straight people don't have to announce their sexuality, so why should I?  It can just come up naturally in conversation."

Rafael just stared at the detective.

"What, you don't agree with me?" Carisi asked finally.

"Well, in principle yes.  But in reality that's not very practical."

"Well I like to think about how things should be, not how practical they are."

It seemed that Carisi was more idealistic than Rafael had ever given him credit for.

"Even so, aren't there more clear-cut  ways to work it into a conversation than stating the advocacy goals of a student group? I mean, we've had multiple conversations about my mom's issues with my bisexuality.  None of those seemed like a good time to mention it?"

"Geez Barba, I'd thought you'd be happy that I'm part of the family, not give me a hard time about it."

Why was he bickering with the detective about his coming-out philosophy, anyway?  Rafael wasn't sure, but underneath the snark he could feel the blooms starting to unfurl again.  Maybe there was a chance after all for something more with Carisi. Except-

"Wait a minute.  Carisi, if you're not straight, then why were you upset about the fake boyfriends joke?"

The anguished look returned to Carisi's face.  "I'd really rather not say. Please, can we just let it go?"

Oh. Well that was perfectly clear then.  Apparently gay Carisi held the same lack of feelings for Rafael that straight Carisi would have had.  So much so that the mere suggestion of them being together, even made in jest, turned him off.

Rafael nodded and turned back to his work.  He wished he could run away, but he'd already done that once with Carisi.  And so he stayed for another two hours as they worked silently across from each other.  It looked like it would have to be friendship after all. Which he was totally fine with.

Yet he still felt dejected as he exited the concert hall that evening, fresh from an opera about unrequited love.

"What's up with you, Mr. Sadpants?" Rita asked.  She had agreed after some pleading to take the extra ticket.  "You've been quiet all night, which is definitely not like you."

"It's nothing."

"Like hell it's nothing.  Let's go get a drink at that bar across the street, and you can tell me what's going on."

"It's nothing," he repeated ten minutes later at the bar, scotch now in hand.

"There's definitely something, you've been acting squirrelly recently.  And where were you today when you called me about the ticket? It sounded like you were whispering."

"Oh that's because I was at the law library with Carisi, so I had to be quiet."

"Oh, I see," Rita said with a knowing smile.

Shit.  She was good, and Rafael knew he'd already let slip enough for her to piece it together.

"So that's what this is about, your eager young detective."

"I really don't know what you're talking about, Rita."

"Raf, you haven't stepped foot in a law library since we graduated, and now you're suddenly hanging out in one with Carisi?  Come on, don't try to tell me there's nothing there."

"There really isn't, and I'm afraid there's never going to be," he said quietly.

"Oh Raf, I'm sorry.  It's his loss. Come on, let's find you someone new."

"No, Rita."

"What about him?"  Rita nodded towards a distinguished-looking man with salt and pepper hair sitting at the other end of the bar.  "He's been eyeing you since we came in."

The man was attractive, reminding Rafael of some of the professors he had crushed on during his law school days.  But this really wasn't what he was looking for tonight, and so he shook his head.

"Rita, you promised me we would just be getting drinks."

"But Rafael, he's older and he looks rich," Rita said, as if these were commonly understood selling points.

"So?"

"So if you're not going to take my advice and cross over to the 'dark side,' as you insist on calling it, then you might as well find yourself a sugar daddy."

"Rita!"

"What? You have expensive tastes, Raf.  It wouldn't hurt to have someone like that doting on you."

"No, Rita.  I am not getting myself a sugar daddy, and I'm not having a one-night stand either."

"Fine."  She gave an exaggerated sigh.  "I'm ordering another drink, do you want one?"

"I'm good for now."

Rafael was staring into the amber liquid in his glass, wondering how Carisi was getting on with his studying, when from the corner of his eye he caught Rita pointing the older rich guy out to the bartender.

"Rita, what are you doing?!" he admonished as he tugged her back into her seat.

"I sent that guy a drink, from you.  It's for your own good, Raf."

"Rita, I told you I'm not interested.  Besides, this isn't the type of bar to be sending drinks to other men in.  What if you misread the signals and he gets upset?"

"Believe me Rafael I wasn't misreading the signals, that guy is in to you.  And there's nothing wrong with some harmless flirting to stroke your ego and get your mind off your detective."

"He's not _my_ detective, and there's nothing to get my mind off of," Rafael huffed.

Rita patted him on the shoulder.  "You know, your poker face is pretty bad for a lawyer.  You should probably work on that. I'm going to make myself scarce to give you room to not get your mind off Detective Carisi."

As soon as Rita had moved, the older gentleman made his way over and slid into the vacant seat.

"Thank you for the wine.  It's not often that a handsome young man buys me a drink."

Rafael rolled his eyes at the obvious line.  "I wouldn't exactly call myself young."

"Well from where I'm sitting you are.  And I think I'm really the one who should be buying you a drink, because it is my pleasure to make your acquaintance."

The man's name was Daniel, and he was a hedge fund manager.  "An ADA, that's very impressive, " he said upon learning Rafael's profession.  "You must have a silver tongue."

Daniel had just come from the opera as well.  It turned out that he had seen the same opera in Milan and Zurich over the years, and he recounted the different productions to Rafael while plying him with scotch.

A half an hour later, Rafael was feeling buzzed from the alcohol and the attention.  Daniel leaned in towards him.

"I hope this isn't too forward of me, Rafael, but would you like to come back to my place?  I have some very nice scotch that I think you might enjoy. The stuff they have here is adequate, but someone as gorgeous as yourself deserves only the best."

Rafael could see in his mind how the rest of the evening would play out.  He would be poured expensive scotch and fed copious compliments until he found himself on his knees on the lush oriental carpeting of Daniel's penthouse, expected to repay both the liquor and the praise with his silver tongue.

For a brief moment, Rafael considered it.  There was something to be said for being wanted.  And for not being alone.

But just because the person that Rafael wanted was unattainable, that didn't mean he should relegate himself to being some stranger's boy toy.  Plus, his years working SVU cases had instilled in him a healthy aversion to any activities with strangers, even those as polite as Daniel.

"I'm flattered by the invitation, Daniel, but I'm going to have to decline.  I know I was the one who started this, by sending you that drink, but I'm really not looking for anything more than conversation tonight."

Daniel took the letdown graciously, even buying Rafael a final round of scotch before getting up to leave.  "I hope you find what you're looking for, Rafael," he said as he shook his hand.

Later, at home and in bed, Rafael checked his messages on his phone.  There was an increasingly desperate string of emojis from Carisi, apparently corresponding to his feelings about his upcoming exams.

Rafael's thumb hovered over the call button.  Friends surely helped each other through exam angst, right?

Maybe it was the lingering effects of the scotch that lifted Rafael's inhibitions where Carisi was concerned, though they thankfully hadn't overruled his instincts at the bar.  He pushed the call button.

"Hey Barba, is everything all right?  Please don't tell me we caught another case."

"No, there's no case.  I just wanted to check whether you were all right. I mean, your last emoji had a frown _and_ tears."

"I'm feeling kinda overwhelmed is all.  The last hour I've just been staring at my outline without actually reading it."

"You've got to pull yourself together Carisi.  Look, don't try to do any more work tonight, because that seems like a lost cause.  Get some sleep, and in the morning you're going to put aside all this despair about the study time that you've lost.  There's nothing you can do about it at this point, so you've got to just keep moving forward."

It was a bit heavy-handed, but Rafael thought Carisi needed some tough love to help snap him out of it.  And the detective seemed to agree.

"Thanks Barba, I'm gonna try that.  Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you helping me get through this semester."

Rafael felt something flutter inside him at the words, but quickly quashed it.  Friends didn't feel butterflies for friends. And since he had shut off the water to the blooming romance, there weren't even any flowers for the butterflies to perch on.

"Well I can't let you fail out of law school, now, can I - who else would give me unsolicited legal advice?"

Carisi chuckled through the phone.  "Whatever your incentive is, Barba, thanks.  Hey how was the opera?"

"The opera itself was fantastic, but I'm never going out with Rita again."

"What happened?"

"It's a long story, I won't keep you up with it tonight."  It wasn't really that long, but somehow Rafael didn't feel like telling Carisi about his flirtation with another man.

"Ok, you'll have to tell me another time.  Thanks again for checking in on me, Barba."

"No problem, Carisi.  Get some rest."

"As long as you do too.  Promise me you're not going to do any more work before bed."

"I promise, I had too much scotch tonight to work anyway.  And I'm already in bed. But you need to promise too; I'm worried you're going to try to sneak some more studying in tonight."

"If you don't mind staying on the line a few minutes, I'll get ready for bed, and then you can have confirmation."

Rafael rested against his pillows until Carisi's voice came back on the line.  "Ok I'm in bed now too, so I can promise you there'll be no more work. Goodnight Barba."

"Goodnight Carisi."

After hanging up, Rafael turned off his bedside lamp and rolled over.  Falling asleep together was totally something that friends did, he thought to himself as he drifted off.  Totally.


	6. Chapter 6

Rafael hadn't intended for it to happen.  He certainly didn't want to be spending another night under Carisi's guard.  

Why would he, when he was still aching inside over the detective's rejection?  If you could even call a preemptive lack of interest a rejection.

So it was surely due only to righteous indignation that Rafael had mouthed off at another suspect and found himself once again on the receiving end of some thinly-veiled threats.

"Liv, I really don't need protection," he argued as he walked uninvited into the Sergeant's office.

"We've been over this before, Barba.  We have to take threats seriously."

"Well, then, does it have to be Carisi watching me tonight?"

Benson looked up from her laptop and eyed him critically.  "Not this again. The two of you finally seemed to be getting along. . . what did you do?"

"Why does everyone always assume that I'm the one who messed things up?" Rafael asked with a huff.

"Anyway," he continued hastily at Benson's raised eyebrow, "things are fine between me and Carisi.  It's just that he has exams coming up next week, and so I feel bad about monopolizing his time."

There, that seemed like a plausible excuse.  Which also happened to be true. And maybe not so plausible after all, given the way Benson was now staring at him with arms crossed.

"Who are you and what have you done with Rafael Barba?"

"What do you mean?" He leaned against a chair in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner.

"What I mean is that I don't remember you ever showing such consideration for someone else's time."

"I can be plenty considerate."

"Right.  How do you even know Carisi's exam schedule?"

"He and I talk.  Is that a crime?"

"No, it's not," Benson replied with a bemused shake of the head.  "Well you can talk all you want tonight, because Carisi's going to be your protective detail whether you like it or not."

"I like it fine," he grumbled under his breath as he let himself out.  That was the problem, really. He liked spending time with Carisi too much.

"I'm sorry that you got roped into this," Rafael said when Carisi arrived at his office to pick him up at seven.  "I'm probably keeping you from another Friday night Carisi family dinner."

"There is a dinner tonight, but it's not a birthday or anything.  And to be honest, I'm kinda glad to have an excuse to miss it. I could really use a low-key night."

Rafael gave a surprised snort.  "And you think a night spent with me, while on duty, qualifies as low-key?"

Carisi shrugged.  "I guess so. I mean, we're old hats at this sleepover thing now, right?  Which reminds me, I believe I promised to cook you dinner the next time I was on guard duty.  So what do you feel like having?"

"As much as I love your cooking, I think that this week has worn us both out.  I don't want you to have to cook, and I certainly don't want to have to clean up.  Let's just get takeout."

The detective started to protest.  "It's really not that hard. Plus, I promised."

"Well if you're hung up on fulfilling your promise, then you can cook for me another time."   _We can make a fake date of it_ , Rafael almost added, but he caught himself in time. They didn't do that anymore.

"Ok, we'll skip the cooking for tonight," Carisi agreed.  "But only because you don't want to clean the pots and pans."

Later, as Rafael unpacked their Chinese food at his kitchen counter, he contemplated the serving dishes that he had already laid out.  He had a strict rule about always serving guests on dishware. It was the classy thing to do.

But maybe he could break that rule.  He and Carisi had, after all, already reached a certain level of informality.  As soon as they had gotten back to Rafael's apartment they had changed out of their work clothes, Carisi into a pair of NYPD sweats and Rafael into a pair of silk pajamas.

"Hey Carisi," Rafael called out to the detective, "would you be ok with eating out of the containers?  That way we can achieve my goal of zero dishes!"

Carisi just laughed.  "Barba, I never use plates with takeout.  What have you been doing all these years?"

And so they sat on the sofa eating Chinese food out of the carton.

"How's your General Gau's chicken, Carisi?"  

"Good, do you want to try it?" The detective held out his carton.

Rafael hesitated.  He never tried other people's food, especially out of the container.  It seemed unmannered at best and unhygienic at worst. But this was Carisi, and somehow that made it different.

"Sure. And you've got to try mine, the mooshi pork is particularly good tonight."

They ate each other's food in silence for several minutes before swapping back again.

The fullness in his belly and Carisi's presence beside him were lulling Rafael into a state of contentment.  Before he knew it he had almost finished.

Carisi, by contrast, was picking at his food now, seemingly lost in thought.

"Barba?"

"Yes?" Rafael answered while fishing in his carton for another piece of pork.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Sure, Carisi."

"It was because I wanted it to be non-fake."

"Come again?  I hope that you provide more contextual background in your law school essays, because I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Barba, what I'm trying to-"

"Plus, 'non-fake' is essentially a double negative, which is poor stylistic form.  If you want, I can read over your practice essays to give you some pointers about- "

"Barba!" Carisi cut in with exasperation.  "I'm trying to tell you something here."

"Right.  Sorry." Rafael placed his near-empty carton on the coffee table and shifted so that he was facing Carisi.  "Please continue."

"You remember last Saturday, in the library, when I said I didn't want us to joke about being fake boyfriends anymore?"

"Yes, I remember," Rafael replied tightly.  Of course he remembered. It was all he could think about for the past week and the last thing he wanted to talk about right now.  

He snatched his carton up again and began stabbing at the remaining moo shi with his chopsticks.  "You really don't have to explain yourself, Detective."

"But I do.  The truth is, I didn't want to joke about it anymore because it hurts too much to be reminded that it's fake.  Over the past weeks that we've been spending time together, I've found myself wishing that it were real. That we were real boyfriends.  And that our dates were real dates."

The chopsticks hovered in mid-air as Rafael's hand froze along with his brain.  Carisi wanted it to be real. Carisi felt the same way as he did. Before Rafael could manage to form words, Carisi started talking again.

"I know I'm making things weird between us by telling you this, so I want to let you know that I've accepted we're just gonna be friends.  I get that you don't want anything more."

The detective looked resigned, almost sorrowful.

"Wait, Carisi.  I do want more. I want it to be real too."

"You do?" Carisi asked hopefully.  He tucked his legs up under himself and turned towards Rafael on the sofa.

"I really do."  Rafael inched forward so that their knees were almost touching.  "How come you never said anything?"

"I was scared it would ruin things between us.  And I assumed you weren't interested, since you never said anything."

"Need I remind you that up until last Saturday I assumed you were straight?  I didn't think that _us_ was even an option. And then last week when you said you didn't want to joke about being fake boyfriends anymore, I thought it was because you were put off by the idea of our dating."

"I guess we both made some assumptions.  But, Barba, aren't you seeing someone? You were supposed to go to the opera with some guy last week."

Carisi slumped back as he spoke, brow creased.  Instinctively, Rafael grabbed onto his sweatshirt to pull him near again.

"That was an old friend from school, not a date.  Believe me, you're the only person I want to be seeing right now."

Carisi's smile broke out brilliantly.  The detective reached out a hand to pull Rafael closer still by the lapel of the silken pajamas.  His thumb traced the material, dipping over the edge to stroke Rafael's collarbone briefly.

"I'd really like to kiss you right now, Barba."

"Nothing's stopping you.  I'd like that as well."

"But I'm supposed to be protecting you tonight.  In my professional capacity. On orders from my Sergeant."

"Look, Benson is overprotective of me.  I don't think I'm really at any risk from today's suspect.  A kiss won't harm anything."

"But we can't take any chances.  I can't get distracted from my main job tonight, which is keeping you safe."

"God, why did I have to fall for such a rule-follower?  Fine, no kissing tonight. When do you have your last exam?"

"Next Friday."

"Then I would like to take you out to dinner on that Saturday, to celebrate."

Carisi put his finger to his chin in mock deliberation.  "I'll have to check my calendar to see if I can fit you in."

"You little brat!" Rafael swatted playfully at Carisi's thigh.  "Here I am going out on a limb asking you out."

The detective grinned.  "Hey I'm the one who went out on a limb, telling you how I feel first.  Of course I'll go out with you next Saturday. I'd love to."

"Then it's a date."

"A real date this time."

"Yes, a real date."


	7. Chapter 7

"I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me drive us, seeing as I have a car and all," Sonny leaned across the back of the Uber to whisper in Rafael's ear.

"Because you always drive us when we go somewhere for work."

"And?"

"And tonight we're going on a real date, so I wanted it to be different.  I wanted to be able to pick you up."

Carisi looked confused.  "You wanted it to be different?"

"Yes.  Look Carisi, up until now we've only interacted as work colleagues and as fake boyfriends.  I think that in order to have a successful real date we need to put those other types of relationships to the side, so they don't get in the way."

Carisi squinched  his face, considering.  "Yeah, that makes sense.  In that spirit, how about we call each other by our first names tonight?"

"Ok, but we have to go back to last names at work, otherwise people will suspect there's something going on between us."  Which was also the reason that Rafael had picked a restaurant well away from the squad's usual haunts.

When the car pulled up outside the restaurant, Rafael was buoyed by the possibilities ahead.  Finally he and Carisi were going to have a chance to really explore this thing between them. He could feel the buds of romance begin to open cautiously within him.

Carisi seemed similarly enthused, bouncing on his toes slightly as he stood on the sidewalk.  "Go team! Real date!" he said, holding out his hand for a high five.

Rafael hesitated.  He was not someone who high-fived, especially in public.  But Carisi's exuberance was infectious. So Rafael reached up to return the gesture.  "Real date!"

Once inside, Rafael congratulated himself on his restaurant selection.  The decor was minimalist but elegant, with ivory linens and intimate lighting.  A single purple flower peeked out of a porcelain vase on the middle of their table.  It looked fresh and perky, in the peak of its bloom.

Rafael glanced over at Carisi, who was studying the menu with intense concentration.

"Do you know what you're ordering, Sonny?"  The name felt strange and slippery against Rafael's tongue.

"I'm thinking of getting one of the specials, the beet gnocchi with tarragon cream sauce."

_What are you trying to do, murder your tastebuds?_ Rafael wanted to ask.  The entree was one of the few experimental dishes on an otherwise well-conceived menu.  Given Carisi's preference for traditional fare, the order seemed like a recipe for disaster.

When they were Barba and Carisi, he always scolded the detective about his questionable decisions.  But right now they were Rafael and Sonny, and so that didn't seem appropriate. Rafael settled instead for a murmured "interesting choice."

"What are you having, Rafael?"  The 'R' came out rough in Carisi's Staten Island accent.

"Mediterranean lamb stew."

After the waiter had taken their orders, they smiled at each other across the table.

"How was your day?"  Rafael asked. "Did you get a chance to relax?"

"Not really.  I got called in for a few hours this morning on that new case."  Carisi made a face to show exactly how he felt about it. "Not what I was looking forward to on my first day after exams."

"That's unfortunate."

"Oh but you'll never guess what Amaro and Rollins did today," Carisi said in an excited whisper, as if the detectives themselves might overhear him.

Rafael leaned in eagerly.  He wasn't immune, after all, to the thrill of some good gossip.  The SVU detectives caused him enough grief on a daily basis that he might as well get a dose of entertainment from them when he could.

Upon a moment's reflection, however, he reluctantly sank back into his seat.  If this was going to be a successful date, then such bullpen gossip was best kept for Monday morning, when they were Barba and Carisi again.

"Maybe we shouldn't talk about the job on our real date.  Otherwise it'll be just like any other working dinner we've had."

"Oh.  Right."  Carisi looked like he was going to burst from not sharing.  "It's too bad though, because you woulda loved this."

"I'll make sure to ask you about it later.  By the way, how did your exams go?"

"Good enough, I think I passed at least, thank God."

"I'm sure you did more than just pass.  How was the administrative law exam? Did any of the cases that we reviewed come up on it?"  

Rafael couldn't help feel a bit of self-interested curiosity as to whether his tutoring had been helpful.  Even though his abuela (somewhat stubbornly) saw a judgeship in his future, Rafael harbored secret fantasies about becoming a law professor.

Carisi chewed on his bottom lip.  "Maybe we shouldn't talk about my admin law exam during our real date, since we studied for it during our fake date."

"Sure.  That makes sense."

They sat in silence that stretched into a uncomfortably long minute.  Without work or Carisi's exams, what was there for them to talk about?

Rafael wracked his brain.  There were surely innumerable things that two people on a date could discuss.  

"Carisi, I mean Sonny, have you . . . have you seen any good movies lately?"

Now there was a good date-appropriate topic of conversation.

But Carisi shook his head.  "I haven't had time to see any movies because, well, I've been too busy with work and exams," he said miserably.

"Right.  Of course."  The two things they had taken off the table.

Carisi brightened suddenly.  "I know what we can talk about.  You can tell me about what happened when you went to the opera.  You said you had a story, something about Rita Calhoun."

"Oh, I don't think you really want to hear that story," Rafael said with a shrug of his shoulders.  "It's not very interesting."

"No really, I do," Carisi countered emphatically, as if the outcome of their date depended on it.

Rafael sighed.  "Look, what happened is Rita tried to set me up with some guy at the bar after the opera.  She tricked me into it, which is why I was mad at her."

"Oh."  Carisi looked equal parts surprised and dismayed.

"But I wasn't interested, so it didn't lead anywhere.  Anyway, probably not the best story to share on a first date."

They returned to silence, sipping awkwardly from their water glasses to distract from the emptiness between them.  Thankfully the waiter returned with their entrees soon enough.

Rafael's dish contained tender lamb and potatoes flanked by apricots and olives.  Carisi's dish contained bright fuchsia nuggets swimming in a sea of cream. After an initial enthusiastic forkful, the detective began pushing the gnocchis around on his plate.

"You don't like it, do you?" Rafael asked as he dabbed at his mouth with his napkin.

Carisi bit his lip before slowly shaking his head.  "I expected it would be beet-flavored gnocchi, but I think it's just mashed-up beets formed into a gnocchi shape."

"Like it would have been any better if it was just beet-flavored," Rafael muttered.

"Wait, you knew it was a bad choice?"  Carisi looked aggrieved. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I guess I thought our meal would be more romantic if I was, well, nicer to you than I usually am.  And so I didn't want to be critical of your selection."

"But I rely on you to tell me when I'm doing something stupid."

"I'm sorry.  I guess I could have saved you from that meal."

Carisi shook his head.  "No, it's on me. Honestly I think I just ordered it to try to show you that I have, like, a sophisticated palate."

"How about we order you something else?"

"Nah, yours will just go cold while we wait."

"Then take half of mine," Rafael said as he began spooning chunks of lamb onto Carisi's bread plate.

"No really, it's ok Rafael. I don't want to take your food.  I can just eat some of the beet gnocchi."

"Sonny, please.  You can't eat that fuchsia monstrosity.  Have the stew instead."

Rafael and Carisi ate with eyes focused on their food.  With only half a serving for each of them, the lamb stew vanished almost as quickly, but much less inexplicably, than the chemistry between them had.

"That was really good," Carisi said as he put down his fork.  "But we've got to admit that this," he continued, gesturing between the two of them, "us being together for real, it doesn't seem to be working."

Rafael nodded sadly.  "I know."

Their waiter appeared at that moment.  "Would you two like any coffee or dessert?"

"No thanks," Rafael and Carisi answered in unison.  For what was the point of extending this awkwardness any longer?

As they waited for the check, Rafael reached out absently to stroke a petal of the beautiful purple flower on the table.  Firm synthetic met the pad of his thumb. It was fake. Of course.

Inside, Rafael felt the blooms of his budding romance begin to wilt.  Maybe it was turning out not to be real either.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These two finally get out of their own way.

When Rafael had imagined how his date with Carisi would play out, he'd thought it would end with plans for a second date.  Or, if things were going particularly well, with Carisi coming back to his place for a nightcap. Certainly not like this, with the two of them standing in awkward silence outside the restaurant.   

"Well, at least the sun came out a bit," Carisi said finally, nodding up towards the evening rays breaking through the clouds.  It was a feeble attempt at small talk, but at least it was more than Rafael could come up with, which was nothing.

It was so like the detective to focus on something positive.  Rafael felt a strange sense of nostalgia for Carisi's optimism, which he hadn't even had the chance to fully experience yet.  But there was no use in being sentimental about it.

"I guess I should call us an Uber."

"No that's fine, I can just take the subway," Carisi protested.  "I think there's a station not far from here."

"But tonight was all about me taking you out.  Even though our date failed miserably, it doesn't seem right for you to have to take the subway home."

"How about this - you can walk me to the subway, and then call an Uber for yourself from there."

"That sounds like a reasonable proposition."  

It was after all a nice evening for a walk.  As they set off, Rafael huffed a bit to keep up with the detective's long legs.

"I guess I thought we would work well together," Carisi said eventually, a bit wistfully.  "You know, as a couple."

"Me too," Rafael agreed.  They lapsed into silence again.

Suddenly, Carisi came to a full stop.  Rafael had to check himself to avoid running into the detective.  

"What is it?"

"Maybe . . . maybe we've been going about this all wrong."

"What do you mean?"

The detective leaned against a lamppost, gesturing with his arms as he began to explain.

"I mean, all night we've been trying to change who we are when we're together.  But we fell for each other as Barba and Carisi. And so maybe the only thing that needed to change was acknowledging how we feel."

Of course.  It all seemed so clear when Carisi laid it out.  Why hadn't Rafael thought of that himself?

Carisi was staring at him expectantly.  "What do you think of my post-mortem of our date?"

At first, Rafael withheld his biting reply, as he had been doing all evening.  But wasn't that Carisi's point, really, that their play-acting tonight was what was actually fake?

"Well, you know what they say about a broken clock. . ."

The detective threw his head back and let out a full-throated laugh.  "God, I found myself missing your back-handed compliments tonight. Honestly it's weird when you're too polite."

"I don't think you have to worry about my being too polite again.  Back-handed compliments aside, I will say that you're a fucking genius for figuring out where we went wrong.  I wish we could reboot tonight's date."

Just then, a growl emanated from Rafael's stomach.  He clasped his hands over it, as if that would muffle the sound.

"I'm so sorry, that's my fault," Carisi said.  "I had to go and eat half your dinner."

"It's fine.  Really."

Rafael's stomach interjected with another, louder gurgle in a pointed rebuttal.

"Let's get something else to eat," Carisi pressed.  "You're clearly still hungry."

Rafael didn't try to deny it this time.

"Ok.  Maybe just some dessert.  I don't think I need a full meal."

"How about here?"  Carisi pointed to a faded sign that read Gelateria.  It hung from a wrought iron gate that bridged the narrow gap between two buildings.

Rafael peered through the gate at the dark alleyway beyond.  "Do you think there's really a gelato store back there? Or are we walking into starring roles on a true crime show?"

"Well if so, then at least I can play the heroic cop part.  We can leave if it seems sketchy, but let's check it out. I haven't had gelato in ages."  

Carisi proceeded to push open the heavy gate, which creaked and groaned at the exertion.  He held it open behind him, coaxing Rafael through with his free hand.

As they rounded a corner the alley opened, unexpectedly, onto a quaint cobblestoned courtyard.  Bistro tables were surrounded by extensive trees and planters that would surely transform, in the height of summer, into a bona fide secret garden.  At the far end, a porch swing swayed gently in the breeze next to the picture window of the gelateria.

"Who would have thought, in the middle of the city," Rafael breathed out.  

The tableau seemed much more fitting for the old country than the concrete jungle of Manhattan.  Indeed, as they entered the small gelato shop Rafael half-expected to be met by a wizened Italian grandmother.

Instead there was a sullen teenage girl who gave Carisi the evil eye when he asked to try a few flavors.  In a bout of stubbornness, the detective proceeded to request samples of the remaining flavors one by one, until he had tried them all.  Rafael couldn't help smirking.

"Come on, let's go eat outside," Carisi whispered in his ear once they had made their selections and the scowling salesgirl had slammed down their change.  "Less negative energy out there."

The clouds were gathering again overhead, but the spring air was warm.  Rafael and Carisi pulled their chairs close at one of the bistro tables.  

"To second chances?" Carisi asked while holding his gelato up in a mock toast.

"To second chances.  With us being ourselves this time.  Speaking of which, can we go back to using last names?  It feels strange not to call you Carisi."

"Sure we can, Barba.  How's your hazelnut gelato?"

"Amazing.  And your raspberry?"

"Same."

Looking at the deep pink gelato, Rafael couldn't resist teasing the detective a bit.  "You know Carisi, your gelato's almost the same color as that godawful beet gnocchi you ordered earlier.  Is your culinary color palette monochrome today?"

"Geez you're never gonna let me live down that gnocchi, are you Barba?"

"Probably not."

Carisi grinned.  "I wouldn't expect any less of you."

Rafael nudged the detective's elbow with his own.  "Tell me your gossip about Rollins and Amaro. I was dying to hear it earlier."

Carisi nodded enthusiastically.  "I was bummed when you wouldn't let me tell you.  You know how we all got called in on a case this morning?"

"Right, it was not how you were envisioning spending your Saturday morning."

"Well, apparently it was not how Rollins and Amaro envisioned spending their Saturday morning either.  They arrived at the precinct together."

"Wait, you mean like _together_ together?"

"Yeah, together together.  They tried to pretend that they came separately - Rollins walked in a minute after Amaro did.  But then she handed him one of his ties, real covert so no one would notice."

Rafael took a big spoonful of his gelato, savoring the double sweetness of the creamy ice cream and the juicy gossip.

"Wow.  Do you think they're sleeping together?"

"Amaro had a goofy grin, so my money's on yes."

"Shit.  With those two tempers, a fling between them seems like it would end badly."

"Exactly," Carisi nodded.  "I'm dreading the day it all blows up and they inevitably get into a screaming match."

"I just hope I don't happen to be at the precinct that day."

"Well you avoided having to come in for today's case, so that's something.  How was your morning?"

"Not bad.  I ended up doing some work from home.  And I had my obligatory weekend phone call with my mother."

"What a good son."  

"Not really.  The phone call is obligatory because otherwise I would never get around to talking to her.  I'm not a good son in the way that you are. I bet you talk to your mom almost every day?"

"Yeah, something like that.  But just because you don't, Barba, that doesn't make you a bad son."

Rafael wasn't so sure he agreed.  But now wasn't the time to dwell on that.

"You certainly made an impression on my mother, Carisi.  After we went to the fundraiser at her school, she invited the two of us out to lunch.  She said she wanted to get to know you."

Carisi gave a fist pump.  "See, I told you that mothers love me!"

Rafael chuckled.  "I should have known you would be insufferable about this.  By the way, you failed to tell me at the time that it's mothers of men whom you win over."

"Which makes it all the more impressive.  Honestly, that's what pisses me off the most about my last break up."

"I don't follow."

"My ex's mom hated the idea of him being with a guy.  She barely talked to me the first time we met, but then I brought her pastries, and charmed her, and eventually she started getting comfortable with the idea."

"Isn't that a good thing, Carisi?"

"Well yeah, but then after my ex broke up with me I started seeing photos on social media of him and his new boyfriend and his mom, hanging out all buddy-buddy.  The new guy gets all the rewards of my hard work, without having to do any himself!"

Rafael shook his head.  Only Carisi would get worked up about something like that.  "Well you don't have to worry about that happening with my mom.  She's not into posing for selfies."

"So how did you get out of the lunch invite with your mom, anyway?  Did you come clean about the fact that we weren't really dating?"

"No, I was too cowardly to do that.  So I told her that we broke up. And actually, she was kind of upset about it.  She, ah, she seems to think you're good for me."

Carisi scratched nervously at the back of his neck, as if hesitant to accept the import of the compliment.  "Mothers say the darnedest things sometimes," he said with a shrug.

It was an out, an opening to joke it off, but for once Rafael had no snide remark at the ready.  Simply:

"Notice that I'm not disagreeing with her."

The detective looked up from his gelato, eyes darting to meet Rafael's. Slowly a grin began to spread across his face.

"Was that a double negative I heard from you, Barba?  When I was studying for exams a certain someone told me that double negatives should be reframed.  So tell me, are you trying to say that you agree I'm good for you?"

Rafael rolled his eyes.  "Cheeky, throwing that back at me.  But the double negative is all you're going to get from me."

Any more was too much to say out loud.  At least for now.

Suddenly the clouds opened up above them, and a warm rain began to fall.

"Let's go under the awning!" Carisi shouted, grabbing Rafael's hand and pulling him towards it.  They collapsed onto the porch swing, out of breath and laughing.

It felt easy, somehow, huddling next to Carisi as they sheltered from the rain. The overflowing flowerbaskets that hung from the awning created a curtain around them, the cascading tendrils reaching down towards the ground with their heavy buds.

"I'm glad we came here," Rafael said, reaching out to brush some wet hair out of Carisi's face.

"Me too," the detective replied, giving Rafael's leg an affectionate squeeze.  He then used his other hand to wipe at the corner of Rafael's mouth.

"You got some of your gelato on your face."

"Is it better now?" Rafael asked.

"Well the gelato's gone, but I don't know if I'd say it's better."

"Come again?"

"I think I like you a bit messy."

How bold of the detective.  But Rafael could run with that.  When he was feeling comfortable in the way he was feeling right now, his snark turned easily to innuendo.

"If that's the case, then we can definitely arrange for more mess in future."

Carisi brightened.  "So we can go for ice cream on our next date too?  Awesome!"

Rafael stared at the detective in disbelief.  But the guileless grin told him that Carisi was being one hundred percent serious.  Somehow, that made him even more charming.

"You naive boy, you were still talking about the ice cream, weren't you?"

Carisi nodded, brow creasing.  "You weren't?"

Rafael chuckled.  "I was talking about a different type of mess."

"Oh.  OH." The grip on Rafael's thigh tightened, tremulous.  "I would definitely be up for making that kind of mess too.  But wait a minute, was that you trying to talk dirty to me?"

Rafael pulled back slightly, indignant at the implication that he had not succeeded.  "What do you mean, _trying_?"

"Apparently there are some things they didn't teach you at that fancy law school of yours."

"Oh and you can school me in dirty talk?" Rafael asked while winding an arm around Carisi's waist.

"I'd be more than happy to give you a tutorial right now. I can explain all the ways I plan to make a mess of you."

It was tempting, and Rafael felt his designer jeans starting to grow uncomfortably tight at the thought.  But for now he wanted a more direct connection.

"I just want you to to shut up and kiss me, Carisi."

The detective leaned in to press his lips softly against Rafael's.  Then he sucked Rafael's bottom lip into his mouth, biting down gently, before giving the same treatment to the top one.

Rafael closed his eyes, losing himself to the sensation of Carisi's lips against his, Carisi's closeness to him, and the sound of the rain falling around them.

When Rafael opened his eyes again some minutes later, as he and the detective pulled apart, he found that the rain-nourished buds around them had burst open on their tendrils.  The new flowers winked and nodded at him, as if to say, _what took you so long?_

What took them so long, indeed.


End file.
